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tv   The Nightly Show With Larry Wilmore  Comedy Central  December 14, 2015 9:18am-9:52am PST

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his speech. it's the worst thing to happened to hummus since sabra released its bubble gum flavor. president obama gives a speech from the oval office about terrorism, gun control and fear. because nothing frightens americans more than the threat of actual news intupting sunday night football. we don't like that, no, no, no. and instead of sitting behind his desk o bamenta awkwardly stands up for the entire speech. may hey, mr. president, that does not count as taking a stand against isis. this is the nightly show. let's do it. captioning sponsored by comedy central >> larry: yes!
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thank you very much. welcome to the night lee show. i'm larry wilmore. so nice. >> larry, larry, larry! >> larry: such a nice audience and canada and australia nice, such a nice odd yengs. really is. and guys, tis the season of giving, right? and no one gives this comedy show more gifts than the republican candidates running for president. (laughter). >> larry: yay! so let's take a look and see who's trying to denegrofy the white house. in other words, what's happening with the unblackening. as you all know tonight is the second night of hanukkah. and all 14gop candidates celebrated the festival of lights by talk together republican jewish coalition last thursday. and the first bright spot, lindsay graham. >> thank you very much.
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(applause). >> larry: what's your rush, lindsey graham? moving kind of fast out of that room, aren't you? did you see his big finish? watch the hands, watch the hands. nice. stick that landing, keri strug, nice. now les you think i'm just making fun of someone tripping, which i am, as it turns out, lindsey graham's prat fall was just a visual metaphor for the night of slipups that lay ahead. listen what happened when black eeyore or bleeyore, ben carson-- (applause) started talking about the militant palestinian terror group hamas. >> split between fatah and hamas, hummus tun ems the gaza strip-- tinls the gaza strip. >> larry: i'm sorry, is he
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saying hummus instead of hamas? this guy doesn't know anything about hummus. that sounds like the worst kind of hummus possible. i mean what is next, will ben carson start referring to isis as italian ices? or boko haram as cocoa parmesan? cocoa parmesan sounds pretty delicious. let me tell you something, if ben carson invents cocoa parmesan, he just might become a viable candidate for president. yeah. actually, why do we have to wait for him to invent this ground-breaking drink. i'm sure i have some hot chocolate and fresh parm sitting right around here. oh, here we go. >> larry: oh, that's
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revolting. very good. any how, all the candidates each took turns speaking to the republican jewish coalition. and rather than go through a list of promises, many of them decided to go with another p word, pandering. first up, donald trump whose power move was to use an odd combination of reverse psychology and trump humility. >> so again, you are not going to support me even though you know i'm the best thing that could ever happen to israel. >> larry: really? in israel the holy land which the jewish people have sacrificed for thousands of years to protect, donald trump is the best thing that could happen. not peace. donald trump, right? >> i am the classiest, holist, milk and honeyist candidate you've got. i'm like mosses only less of a
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loss-- moases only less of a loser. 40 years to get out of the desertd, come on. i would have done it in a week and left a luxurious wall. but trump's picked up speed when he started trafficking in some good old-fashioned stereotype. >> i'm a negociater like you folks, is there anybody that doesn't renegotiate deems in this room. perhaps more than any other room i've ever spoken. >> larry: this is the actual definition of stereotyping when you say is there anybody that doesn't, fill in the blank, in this room? right? that's like going to the naacp and saying my candidacy is a slam dunk, there is no one in this room who can't dunk, right? barbara jordan, you can dunk, right? okay. the only time it's not offensive to assume a roomful of jewish pesht are negotiators is when are you at an event for the united jewish negotiators. i mean it's lit-- literally in share slogan.
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what was-- when was the last time they had that meeting. i'm not sure. but any how, once the pander express leaves the station, everybody wants to hop on. john kasich even brought along his mother. >> my mother told me one time, she said johnny, if you want to look for a really good friend, get somebody who is jewish. your jewish friend will stick by your side and fight right with you, and stand by you. >> larry: so you have ethnic strategy sessions with your mom. >> your jewish friends are very loyal, your asian friends are really funny. and your mexican friends are the best listeners. this is outrageous. look, i'm going to need a little bit of help here. so taking on john kasich's mom's suggestion please welcome my loyal jewish friend nightly show contribute errory albanese. >> shall om, larry, shallom.
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>> larry: thank you. >> before we get started i want to be clear that i'm not really a very good jew. no, i was bar mitzvahed and stuff but i haven't done anything since. so just under the circumstances, i think i'm probably the best you've got. >> larry: good, good. all right what do you think about kasich's mom saying jewish friends are more loyal. >> yeah, that's not a thing. no, i mean we might have curly hair but we're not like labradoodles, you know what i mean? i'm not saying jewish people can't be loyal. i'm just saying being jewish and being loyal are not like bound by some sort of talmudic law, that's not like-- . >> larry: did you see this thing jim gilmore says. >> can we just talk about jim gilmore. >> larry: no, we were talking about kasich. >> wait, those are two different dudes, holy cow, that's crazy. hi no idea. >> larry: we had our research department figure out. here is what gilmore said to the same jewish group. >> last night i was watching sha linder's list. everybody here has seen "schindler's list."
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>> larry: "schindler's list." that's how he decided to relate to the jewish audience is to see "schindler's list"? >> yeah, my real problem with this is that casual manner by which he says he as watching. last night i was home, i cracked open a brew, you know, i turned on "schindler's list," as you do. no, you don't. no, you don't! nobody does that. that is a movie you watch one time in the theater, out of respect, and then you never watch it again. that's what it is. >> larry: true. >> sorry, but that's what it is. >> larry: that's a very sad movie. very sad movie. so as a jewish person were you offended by the approach all the republicans took? >> i was really offended because that is what politicians do, they pander. my my attitude st if you are going to pander, you have to pander better. like hey, ben carson, you're a doctor. play that up, you know what i mean? trust me on this,ed crowd will love t they'll be eating out of your gifted hands, man. >> larry: sounds good.
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any other thoughts, my loyal friend? >> you know, larry, i guess the best way for me to put all this republican jewish thing is this whole thing, it's mishegoss sha anda, it's mesh nug-- meshuggenah and fakaktah. >> larry: my thowts exactly. and i will also add what does that mean? >> truth is, larry, have i no idea. my grandma, though, used to say those words a lot and i'm pretty sure none of them are good. but like i'm say i'm not a very good jew. >> larry: that's okay. rorie albanese. we'll be right back. but you're loyal.
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>> larry: welcome back. now thank you very much. something happened last night that we need to discuss, in a new segment called "i got to say". >> our graphics are get sog elaborate, man. president obama decided to give a speech on a sunday night. and i got to sairks he was smart enough to not do it during the football game but he did it during pregame which is almost as bad. americans take their pregame very seriously, mr. president. as these two bills fans proved yesterday. that really happened, you guys. that really happened. pregame. i mean for me it's bad to see o.j. simpson's proud franchise have their legacy tarnished. horrible thing. horrible. we got some old school in this audience. we got some old school. now we knew it must be an
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important speech because president obama was giving it from the oval office. now an oval office address is the most powerful weapon at the president's disposalk aside from the 4,560 nukes. but the president is calling us into his office as a nation, and it grabs our attention in a way no other speech does. okay. so what did he say. >> good evening. >> larry: hold on, obama. why you got a podium in your office? you just pissed away your whole oval office advantage by standing behind a podium. okay so to recap, mistake number one. interrupted football. mistake number two, podium. mistake number three? >> we will destroy isil-- . >> larry: okay, stop. why you calling isis isil? and do you realize you did this 19 times last night. >> isil. >> isil. >> isil. >> isil. >> isil. >> larry: now i get it you're
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the president and you think if you say isil enough we'll start saying it. that's not how things catch on. we heard it as isis the first time. isis is an easier word to crimek like isis crisis. we're not having a national kries ill. imsh imsh-- kries crisi will. we're not the only one hoping kries ill will catch on. i have 10,000 isil t-shirts gathering dust in an warehouse. i get t i understand. but the purpose of this chat was to connect, to connect with football loving americans you have to talk like us, not some isil nerd language. all right. so any how, american just went through a crisil. okay. so maybe you have some words to make us feel better. >> and i know that after so much war, many americans are asking whether we are confronted by a cancer that has no immediate
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cure. >> larry: thanks, mr. president. i was feeling kind of scared but the mention of cancer really helps sooth the old nerves. all right. any how, look, i got to say, mr. president, i get it you're trying to have a serious moment here. you're not trying to pander. you're trying to talk to us like we're adults. but we're not adults, we're americans, all right? (cheers and applause) okay? hello? and if you're going to show up right before game time, you need to inspire us with your words, not just tell us. and please do it sitting down. is i just had to say it we'll be right back. (cheers and applause) offers best in class hd towing,
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>> larry: welcome back, here is my panel first up rory albanese. and nightly show contributor mike yard. and he's the creator and star of kneeon joe werewolf hunter which premiers on adult swim tonight. comedian and acker jon glears. for everyone at home join our conversation on twitter@nightly show using the hashtag tonightly. i was talking about pandering earlier in the show it seems like the guilty candidates were in a exish to see who could-- were in a competition to see who could pander to the jews
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at the coalition, is it okay to say things to a certain group or is it the worst thing you can do? >> well, i want to say before we get started, not to pander but isn't the nightly show audience the best audience on the planet? (cheers and applause) i mean. >> that's really well put. >> come on! how did you get an audience full of beautiful people? i don't understand how you did it. >> i mean are the tickets free, yes, are they cheap, a little bit. other than that, though. >> i mean, jesus, you are winning, best audience in the history of audiences. (cheers and applause). >> larry: are you so transparent, my friend. >> just keeping it a hundred. >> larry: right. >> keeping it a hundred. >> larry: it's kind of a politician's job to pander i guess in a certain sensement but when it's so obvious, it's just a little uncomfortable to me. but seeing "schindler's list," that's really-- come on, hey, i was wamping "schindler's list" the other day. >> you should go strong, for me, if you are going to do that, just say, like for me i watched
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"schindler's list" every day. >> larry: that's how you should. >> every morning, i got two kids. we get up around 7:00 to start the process of school. i get up at 4:00. i got to stretch for 15 minutes. and then i spend the rest of my time wamping "schindler's list," every morning. >> yeah. >> and be emphatic. >> you may not watch it every day but that's how i start my day. >> yeah. >> larry: that's just the weirdest thing to say i just watched probably a movie about one of the worst things that ever happened to your people, this morning. >> it looked like he was trying to, you know, hone up on his jewish. >> yeah. >> so he was like-- what do i know about these jews, i don't know, put on "schindler's list," like come on. >> you are watching back republican, "roots." >> yeah. >> go deeper, in your catalog. like listen, i was watching the chosen. >> yeah. >> yentle is a good one too, because yentel is superjewish
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but also streisand is in it so the republicans will be like, what do we do? we can't process both of those things. >> larry: too liberal. now i want to say not just republicans because i remember in 2008 when hillary went down south, or something. can we show the hillry, do you have the hillry clip. >> words of james cleveland's great freedom hymn. >> i don't feel no ways tired. i come too far from where i started from. nobody told me that i rode would be easy. i don't believe he brought me this far. >> wow. >> that's the best. >> larry: can i get an amen. >> so good. that's really good. i'm not going to stop snapping. >>out,out. >> see, you can't do it, you can't do it. >> it feels like at least she really committed to it.
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that would be like if it was gilmore said, you know i watched "schindler's list" and everyone was and he started quoting it, like she went quote, that's hard. like he wasn't like i red a book. >> i'm not mad at her. >> like don't do that. don't do that. >> wasn't she running against barack at that time. >> she was trying to outblack him. >> because obama gets the code switch that nobody can. so he can go in front of a black crowd and say what's upy'all. oh, he's talking to black people. who am i to say you should not talk like that, right? >> she had a nice outfit that kind of balanced it all out though like some weird, it looked like a kneeon space suit. >> like a pant suit. >> yeah t actually looked like. >> a classic pimp outfit. >> peach, come on. >> something steve hartley might wear so it's appropriate, it's appropriate. >> but let's be real. we all pander. i mean politicians, we all do it. when are you dating a girl that's pandering. you pandering to get the job. >> yeah, yeah. >> larry: wait, you are
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parynding to get the girl. >> yeah, because are you telling her everything she wants to hear, everything good about her so that you can get in. it's the same thing. they just trying to get in america's drawers. >> that could be what i am doing wrong. >> larry: so the politicians are trying to get in america's drawers. >> exactly. >> which is why. >> exactly. >> come on, larry, you see this. you see this. >> larry, that's why i am so scared of as couldby candidacy, because i feel like we can't-- no, because we can't all drink the good stuff. >> larry: rory, now that that i believe. >> a hell of a connection you tried to make. >> trying to get in america's drawers,s couldby. >> oh, okay-- . >> larry: which candidate-- slowing down, hold up. >> which candidate out there right now is the best at getting in america's drawers? >> i don't know. >> trump might be doing the best
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job because he's-- . >> larry: trump doesn't make promises. he just panders. >> yeah, but that's probably why he's so good, that is why people are so submiten with him because he says stuff that are you not supposed to say out loud out loud. like you know, he does. and people are like oh-- that is kind of racist. >> larry: but he says [bleep] you shouldn't even be thinking in the first place. >> yeah. >> larry: it shouldn't be lurking in there somewhere. >> at all. >> larry. >> he shouldn't be thinking that [bleep] anyway. all mexicans are rapists, i really shouldn't tell anybody this. >> tamp it down. >> that's because trump doesn't get the concept of pandering. it's not pandering if you call people the blacks. >> that's not a good thing. >> pandering is good and we'll accept t you know what i mean f it's a good thing. like if you come in front of a group of republican black men and are you like so what's up with them big dicks.
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so broad, blanket statement. >> let that happen at the next one. >> we would like that. >> please. >> never happens at the jewish coalition, ever, by the way. >> hit them with the big dick line. >> why would i do, that wrong meeting, sorry, these are the wrong notes. >> i'm just saying. >> larry: all right, all right. now we got to pander to our spoarnses, we'll be right back. >> oh, nice. nice. >> grab some free tickets to attend an upcoming taping of the nightly show. go to the nightly show.com/tickets. breathtaking peppermint...
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it's gonna give you that je ne se quoi. jenna said what? listen up! boneless wings are buy one get one free mondays after 5 pm. (clicks) to stir up the holidays, before earning 1% cash back everywhere, every time and 2% back at the grocery store, even before they got 3% back on gas, all with no hoops to jump through, daniel, vandi, and sarah decided to use their bank americard cash rewards credit card to sweeten the holiday season. that's the spirit of rewarding connections. apply online or at a bank of america near you.
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show, i want to thank our guest rory albanese, mike yard and jon glasser, stay tuned for "@midnight" with chris hardwick. good nightly,
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>> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with trevor noah! (cheers and applause) ♪ captioning sponsored by comedy central >> trevor: thank you so much! welcome to "the daily show"! i'm trevor noah! our guest tonight, u.s. secretary of labor tom perez is joining us, everybody! (cheers and applause) but first up, donald trump. (laughter) donald trump. (laughter) >> and we put out a statement a little while ago and these people are going crazy. shall i read you the statement? donald j. trump is calling for a total and complete shutdown of muslims entering

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